Free to Be Me!

I posted the song first, it is so fitting for me.  I love the lyrics "Got a couple dents in my fender, got a couple of rips in my jeans."  How many of us feel that way?  I know I do....I feel as if I wear a scarlett letter on my chest.  That all anyone can see is who I was before Christ and not who I am now.  Everytime I speak for Stonecroft I get incredibly nervous, to the point of getting sick.  I always ask God, why me?  I have nothing to offer these professional women, wealthy women, what could I possibly say that they would relate to.  Noone has to beat me up emotionally I do a good enough job on my own.  Then after I speak, more women than I would like can relate to my story.  I always say don't judge a book by its cover, yet I do.  But in the opposite way, I look at someone who is dressed nicely or I think has a lot of money and then I look at myself and say "what could my story offer them?"  Then when they shake my hand and hug me for a brief moment I am praying they just see the love of Christ coming through me.  I really believe that the my story I share is not my own but Christs.  He was abused, persecuted and abandoned just like me in my story.  I have to work everyday on my self image and to try to see what Christ sees in me.  He doesn't see the dents in my fender or the rips in my jeans or MY scarlett letter...He just sees my heart and love for Him.  He takes the weak to lead the strong. 

Francesca Battistelli Free To Be Me Lyrics

Seeing Your Blessings Through Your Pain

I have been having my own little pity party the last few days.  I have degenerative disk disease through my entire lumber.  Diagnosed four years ago when I was thirty six years old.  This came from the abuse that I endured during my seven year marriage.  I was thrown into walls, tackled, thrown into our bathroom vanity and thrown over chairs the night I finally had enough and left.  But not before he had severely sprained my back and I was diagnosed with the DDD six years later.  I recently started work that has put a lot of stress on my back.  I have fallen to sleep crying because it hurts so much and I wake up in the morning and have to grab the pole on our canopy bed...to get out of bed.  For a brief few days I had this feeling of being alone and God didn't care about my pain.  Then I thought to myself, "really who do you think you are?"  My husband had to come into our bathroom, as I was sitting in our jacuzzi taking a hot bath and crying, and asked "Do you want to talk?"  I didn't not even want to talk to him, but he pulled me out of it and I talked through my tears of pain.  I thought suddenly that God hasn't deemed it time to heal me (maybe my healing will come in Heaven) and I have been prayed over many times.  I have forgiven my abuser but when my pain is so bad I can't function for my family, that angry takes ahold of me...yet again.  I have a very real possibility of being in a wheelchair by the time I am sixty. I have to look at it the same way my Dad did when he was diagnosed in his early 50' of a similar back problem.  I remember him saying to me "The Lord gave me all this time to walk and if He takes it away, then so be it."  My Dad and Mom are such wonderful, spiritual, Christians and I am so blessed God gave me to them.  I thought of what my Dad said and decided I needed to have the same thoughts.  If He takes me tonight in my sleep or takes me a year from now to go home; all I want to hear is "Job well done, good and faithful servant".  That is my desire.   So I am working through my pain and my pity party is over!  God brought me to it and through it and when I struggle and am in despair; I need to remember that He is holding me close.  I know why I came out of that abusive relationship, I know it with every fiber of my being, that He wanted me to tell it to as many who would listen and my story would help other women to know there is HOPE in times of despair.  God Bless and Good Night

Loss and I recently handled it....

The last year of my families life has been a little overwhelming. 
My husband and I lived on a farm that we called our piece of Heaven.  But in June of last year (2010) my husbands mother needed us to move in with her to keep her house.  So, we left our piece of Heaven and moved in with my mother in law.  We spent several months trying to adjust to all of living under on roof.  We had our ups and downs, what I found out really fast is how difficult this was going to be.  My husband, Adam, also has a step-sister that is much younger, she was 17 when we moved in.  In early February we lost her.  She was healthy as horse never went to the doctor and she died very suddenly of and abysses that ruptured and sepsis through her body.  It was so sudden and I will never forget that night as Adam, Clint (his brother) and I sat behind the ambulance on the side of the road trying to revive her.  It was devastating.  It has been seven months, but there are so many first to go through. I just can't imagine how Mary must of felt watching Jesus as He was tortured and put on the cross.  I think she must have felt that her heart was being torn out of her.
In May of this year we had to move again, due to family issues and the house having a mortgage that was not paid off and her soon to be ex-husband reeking havoc on us.  So we moved and about week after we did so my body just started going crazy on me.  The stress of the last year had taken effect on me, because I was keeping it all in.  Basically what I had done to myself for years when I was being abused. I was diagnosed with stress, severe-anxiety and of course, depression. I literally did not take off my baseball hat for a month. I had severe tension headaches and it was the only way my head would not hurt.  I took all this on myself, when I know I could have and should have given all to God and kept it there.  But my really big problem is that I give it to Him and then take it back because I feel like I can control it.  What a joke!!  He is the Master of the universe, king of all kings and little ole' Sheli thinks she can do better than Him...NO. 
My feelings of having to have control, has caused me to feel horrible for an entire summer.  What I do know is that when you have prayer Warriors...they are praying you through.  That is so refreshing to know.  A lot of the time this summer I would tell Adam that I felt like Job, but no matter what was thrown at me, at our family I would NOT renounce the Lord.  What He brings us to, He WILL see us through!

This song was so appropriate for what I needed reminded of and one of my favorite.  I picked the You Tube version of 9/11, as that date is fast approaching!
A verse I saw on a frame at my mom's today..."The Lord shall renew their strength: they shall mount up with wings as eagles."  Isaiah 40:31...I know that God is going to renew my strength and I am ready to fly!  God Bless and Blessings to you!

My Frist Blog!!

I love the picture of Jesus, holding the woman with footprints behind Him.   It reminds that in our darkest hours He is with us and during those times He is carrying us!  Footprints in the sand my very  favorite poem and the video is my favorite song.  Beautiful Beautiful!  I love the video it shares her lyrics so you can get the full of effect of her song!  Love, Love, Love it!!! 
The past year of my life has been very difficult, but not as difficult as my life was 17 years ago and the day I left that life 10 years ago.  I will share on both of these soon.  Right now I just want you to know that there is Hope and my defination of Hope is Helping Others Prepare for Eternity.  That is why I know God lead me out of an abusive marriage to where I am today.  Speaker for Stonecroft Ministres and a HEART for woman who are where I was 17 years ago.  Fighting to get through another day, acting as if there life is happy and normal (when that is furthest thing from the truth).  God Bless and come back soon!!! :)