Seeing Your Blessings Through Your Pain

I have been having my own little pity party the last few days.  I have degenerative disk disease through my entire lumber.  Diagnosed four years ago when I was thirty six years old.  This came from the abuse that I endured during my seven year marriage.  I was thrown into walls, tackled, thrown into our bathroom vanity and thrown over chairs the night I finally had enough and left.  But not before he had severely sprained my back and I was diagnosed with the DDD six years later.  I recently started work that has put a lot of stress on my back.  I have fallen to sleep crying because it hurts so much and I wake up in the morning and have to grab the pole on our canopy bed...to get out of bed.  For a brief few days I had this feeling of being alone and God didn't care about my pain.  Then I thought to myself, "really who do you think you are?"  My husband had to come into our bathroom, as I was sitting in our jacuzzi taking a hot bath and crying, and asked "Do you want to talk?"  I didn't not even want to talk to him, but he pulled me out of it and I talked through my tears of pain.  I thought suddenly that God hasn't deemed it time to heal me (maybe my healing will come in Heaven) and I have been prayed over many times.  I have forgiven my abuser but when my pain is so bad I can't function for my family, that angry takes ahold of me...yet again.  I have a very real possibility of being in a wheelchair by the time I am sixty. I have to look at it the same way my Dad did when he was diagnosed in his early 50' of a similar back problem.  I remember him saying to me "The Lord gave me all this time to walk and if He takes it away, then so be it."  My Dad and Mom are such wonderful, spiritual, Christians and I am so blessed God gave me to them.  I thought of what my Dad said and decided I needed to have the same thoughts.  If He takes me tonight in my sleep or takes me a year from now to go home; all I want to hear is "Job well done, good and faithful servant".  That is my desire.   So I am working through my pain and my pity party is over!  God brought me to it and through it and when I struggle and am in despair; I need to remember that He is holding me close.  I know why I came out of that abusive relationship, I know it with every fiber of my being, that He wanted me to tell it to as many who would listen and my story would help other women to know there is HOPE in times of despair.  God Bless and Good Night